Hotel Rules

The lobby and front entrance are strictly out of bounds.

In the car park, if you ask yourself any of these questions – how you're going to get out of a spot, whether you're allowed to park there, if the monster truck beside you will crush your car when it leaves, if you'll crush the motor scooter in the next stall, whether your car will roll onto a different level, if you'll be able to find your car again, etc. – you're behaving normally and you will almost certainly find your car in the same state and location that you left it in.

Use the service staircase and corridor to avoid surprises. The more lush and carpeted a staircase is, the more dangerous it is.

If you see anyone, do not go with them. Continue straight up to your room. It doesn't matter whether they're a pretty cleaning lady or a bizarre-looking alien. Do not step onto the official floor (carpeted, a regulation 16.7cm above the concrete service landing). Do not follow them. If you hear music, do your best.

The elevators do not go to the car park. However, if you do take a ride, be advised that they travel so fast (on the outside) that there is no guarantee you will be the same person when you step out. It's best not to look at the floor counter or buttons and concentrate on getting back to your floor. Hence the saying, 'Explorers rarely return home'.

Once you find your room, there may be other, occasional occupants. Don't worry about having to use the room at the same time as them (the bathroom least of all, unless one of them likes to experiment). Be polite, but not too friendly. Do not sleep in someone else's bed or one someone else has made up for you. Do not make any deals or promises, no matter how appealing. Going out with them for an evening is only advisable if they are quite smashed at the start. Do not argue with them if the room changes. In fact, it's best if you don't complain to anyone, really.